Global elites have been doing a bang-up job of overwhelming and confusing the shit out of everyone. Epistemological shock and awe may be an acquired taste, but I think I’m developing an appreciation for it: “bright notes of alarm and panic dance over a rich, complex body of oaky depression. Old World terroir—recalling a musty debtor’s prison, perhaps, or a damp stockade—updated with a modern cold steel finish. Unique!”
Every single piece of information today gets spun, weaponized, championed, attacked, by a bazillion people, each one running their own little hustle, each one trying to bank a little more clout. Who the hell can you trust?
For example: are things getting better, worse, or staying the same? Most people say “getting worse.” Then here comes Penn Jillette or Steven Pinker to note that poverty and hunger are down, pointing to the many signs of social progress, the arc of history, etc. And they probably just wrote a book about it. Meanwhile, the entire world is sick and on fire, the US is practically in a civil war, and to make matters worse my dog just died.
Here’s a fun game. Think of something that you believe. Then think of its opposite. Now say (a) “I’m not surprised” (b) “that makes sense” or (c) “I stand corrected.” Like this:
“Studies show that masks are effective.”
“Studies show masks are not that effective”
“Hm! Okay, I guess I stand corrected.”
“You should give to the Red Cross.”
“Don't give to the Red Cross, your $$ will never reach anybody actually in need, they'll just line the pockets of the NGO middlemen who have a vested interest in misery.”
“Hm! Well, I’m not surprised to hear that.”
At this point, I’ll just say that QAnon is starting to look pretty good. While Q may have been the creation of incel 4chan clickharvesters, its true origins are sort of irrelevant. The point is that an elite few do control everything; their actions are Satanic; and Epstein did NOT kill himself.
Issue: 14-3 (orig. pub. date: )
It goes without saying that the U.S. healthcare system is pretty fucked. It’s hilarious to think about this, but back in the 90s Hillary Clinton tried to fix health care. Hillary Clinton! That’s like putting Jared in charge of solving the Middle East. LOL REKT
Then I guess Obama took a swing at it and gave us, erm, uh, well I don’t know what you call it when everything suddenly costs twice as much as it used to, but it’s that. Finally, at least Trump *talked* about negotiating drug prices, but in the end all we got was yet another toothless executive order.
I suppose it’s not fair to lay everything at the president’s feet. After all, Congress is supposed to legislate, right? Is all politics theater now? Does Congress actually write any bills that make it out of the courts? Asking for a friend. p.s. his name is “the streets”
Remember during the Obamacare Wars when lobbyists used to come on TV and say “Americans love their health care plans”? SHOW ME ONE
Issue: 14-3 (orig. pub. date: )
In the Oppression Olympics, I’m running close to the back of the pack. The only thing keeping me out of dead last place is a relatively meager intersectional allotment of 30% Jewish blood + Atheism.
All Americans hate atheists, unless they’re atheists themselves. I think I saw a poll once that said Americans would rather have a Muslim president than an atheist. Now that’s saying something. Meanwhile, America is as godless an empire as the world has ever known. Coincidentally, most atheists I know are pretty nice people.
If I had to be a religious nut, I guess I’d be a Buddhist, although I do have a soft spot for Deists, due to their unsparing attitude towards miracles and revelations. I’ll tell you what’s a miracle: Zach Snyder gets paid millions of dollars to make the worst movies of all time. And here’s a revelation: homeopathic medicine is a crock of shit.
Issue: 14-3 (orig. pub. date: )
I know, I know, everyone’s a racist, but I recently saw an old clip of Johnny Carson and I thought, now that looks like an actual super racist motherfucker right there. Like a LEGIT one. I’d bet anyone $100 that people like Johnny Carson and Bob Hope had a shit ton of “darkie” and “Chinaman” jokes saved up for cocktail parties with the in-crowd.
Although we as a society still have a long ways to go, I think it’s somewhat encouraging that you don’t look at, say, Matt Damon and just automatically assume that he has a KKK robe in his closet.
or.....do you
Issue: 14-3 (orig. pub. date: )
Wife: You can’t turn left here.
Yawny: Watch me.
Wife: It’s a double yellow line. And there’s a police car right there!
Yawny: I can do it. I’m driving better than most of the idiot tourist millennials around here.
Wife: You need to calm down. What is with you?
Yawny: See? That cop didn’t even care.
Issue: 14-3 (orig. pub. date: )
Why do D.C. pundits keep dropping an “r” from the word infrastructure? They keep saying “infa structure.” It’s stupid. It reminds me of how people say “real-a-tor” instead of “realtor.” That’s NOT the WORD. Did you know that in the mid-Atlantic region, you can often hear old guys call the nation’s capital “Warshinnen.” It’s WASH-ing-ton, you fucks, as in “THE REDSKINS”
I believe this is the point in the newsletter where I mention how my father-in-law recently described a trip to a local repair shop as “inventurous.”
Issue: 14-3 (orig. pub. date: )
I just thought of a good joke. Go to a bank and tell them you want to open up a savings account. LMFAO ROFL LOLOLOL
Issue: 14-3 (orig. pub. date: )
A real problem for GenXers is that sometimes when you turn on the TV while folding laundry, if there’s nothing on you might put on some punk rock or Woodstock documentary, but after a while all the music sounds exactly the same, just boring 4-chord songs in E with strained vocals, and you fall asleep sitting up and when you wake up with a cramp in your neck you’re suddenly embarrassed to remember that at one time you imagined that maybe THAT music could change the world a little.
Zoomers are so lucky, they’ll never have that awful “Jesus, how could we all have been so fucking stupid and naive” realization.
Incidentally, it’s a fact that no matter what the music is, at some point Dave Grohl will be interviewed. Didn’t he win a bunch of Grammys? Doesn’t he have anything better to do than be in a Netflix documentary about the Descendents or the Grateful Dead?
I’m still waiting for the Netflix documentary on Survival Research Laboratories. COME THE FUCK ON
Issue: 14-3 (orig. pub. date: )
What’s the point of a state flower? Look, I’m not a total moron. I understand what a symbol is. But can someone please explain to me how in the fuck the District of Columbia is like a rose?
Did you know Maine lists PINE TREE as its state flower? What! Meanwhile, Nevada has sagebrush, which looks like some kind of Totem of Death. Who picked these? Most state flowers are just run-of-the-mill wildflowers. They pretend to be all colorful and carefree, as if they weren’t running cover for all the world’s top warmongers, market manipulators, and predatory loan sharks.
I should also mention that several states actually went to the effort of selecting a state berry #dafuq?? And Utah’s official state snack food is Jell-O /// anarcho-libertarian vibe intensifies ///
Someone should fix all this shit. I think they need to update the state mottos. Those things were written back before electricity was invented. What relevance could they possibly hold today? Revised for current sensibilities, I believe that most states would choose as their motto either “Fuck off” or “GTFO.”
Issue: 14-3 (orig. pub. date: )
| Norway | smalahove |
| Scotland | haggis |
| Ireland | blood pudding |
| Philippines | balut |
| China | bird spit soup |
| Japan | zaza-mushi |
| USA | Gatorade |
Issue: 14-3 (orig. pub. date: )
Cassavettes: OK, in this scene, you tell the girl you love her. And say it like you mean it.
Actor: All right, I’ll give it a try. Here goes… (improvising) "Helen! I love you! I do! I really, really-I REALLY love you, Helen! (shouts) I LOVE YOU!"
Cassavettes: Great. Now, here your character is a little confused. You’re trying to explain yourself, but you can’t find the right words.
Actor: OK, I think I got it. (improvising) "Listen, kid…I don’t know which way is up and which is down. You know what I mean? Don’t get sore. I’m all turned around. It’s like night is day and day is night. Ya know?"
Cassavettes: Fine, now grab her by the arm and shake her real good.
Issue: 14-3 (orig. pub. date: )
| CHEMICAL PRODUCTS | ORGANIC PRODUCTS |
| Liquid-Plumr | Amaro |
| Velcro | Earth Balance |
| Tramadol | Psyllium husk |
| Fix-All | Ladybugs |
Issue: 14-3 (orig. pub. date: )
Nginx, Debian Linux, JetBrains, KVM, NoSQL, FreeNom, Bootstrap 5
Issue: 14-3 (orig. pub. date: )
David Patrick Kelly, who played gang member T-bird in The Crow, also played the leader of the Rogues gang in the Warriors, AND Jerry Horne in Twin Peaks!!
HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT
Seymour Cassel, star of Wes Anderson and John Cassavetes films, gave Slash from Guns & Roses his nickname!!
GOOD LORD, WHAT NEXT
Child star Alfred Lutter, who played the iconic roles of Tommy in Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore and Ogilvie in Bad News Bears, went on to get an MS from Stanford and become CTO of Lynda.com. No rehab, ever!!
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE
Research into the sad and bizarre fates of every cast member of TV’s Diff’rent Strokes is left as an exercise for the reader.
Issue: 14-3 (orig. pub. date: )
I passed a millennial on the street who pointed and laughed when he saw me holding a paper Netflix envelope. “What! They still HAVE those? I haven’t seen one of those in like TEN years!” he guffawed.
This same guy probably has an expensive record player to play his “vintage” Sublime records on. Yet somehow DVDs are passé and lame. I didn’t want to engage this fool, because my time is becoming very precious, but here’s my official reply:
“Oh! so maybe you can tell me which STREAMING service carries New French Extremity horror flicks? Or the films of Haneke, Fassbinder, Agnes Varda, or Stan Brakhage? Because those are all available ON DVD. Oh wait, you don’t know about anything that’s not related to the comic- book superhero genre? I see. Okay, well, bye Felicia. You get that reference, right?”
Issue: 14-3 (orig. pub. date: )
