Yawny's Digest
"All I see turns to brown" - R.Plant

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Oh My God What the Fuck

For a while there I was like “OK, the stupid election’s over, libtards. Shouts out DNC, great job! Now maybe we should all just shut the fuck up and see what happens” and I kind of thought nothing really would. I figured Trump would just keep on mugging for the camera and tweeting outrageous, inflammatory stuff, but would never actually put together, say, a Cabinet, or sign any papers or anything. Basically I was expecting 4 years of unrelenting, empty media hype.

And let’s be honest, the campaign did kind of feel like like it had been developed by a team of talented new writers at Netflix. How hilarious was that whole “Li’l Marco” bit? Remember “low energy Jeb"? What about the time Trump said Carly Fiorina couldn’t be president because “look at that face”? Did you catch Bernie’s interview with Killer Mike? Or the Hillary “hot sauce” gaffe? I was like, these writers need to get paid, this shit is solid gold. That whole pussy grab thing! fucking crazy. I guess I thought the train would keep a-rollin’, because, as you may recall, Breaking Bad didn’t really hit its stride until around season 3.

Well, I guess the election was just the pilot episode. They say people get the president they deserve, and because of my shitty mindset, I might reflexively agree. We as a nation probably do deserve an insane, mean-spirited snake-oil salesman. Why? Oh, I don’t know, maybe due to our centuries of crimes against humanity: genocide, slavery, racism, political assassinations, wars against non-aggressors, bombing of civilians, etc. Or perhaps for the recent massive uptrending of stupidity, self-deluding exceptionalism, or just out-and-out greed and selfishness.

But I don’t actually believe in karma, and history has shown repeatedly that blowback hits the wrong targets, so I guess deserving’s got nothing to do with it. At this point in time, I guess it seems logical to assume that if you’re educated, pay your taxes, and have some general faith in humanity, rationality, or the rule of law, you should probably expect to get the shit tazed out of you for a little while.

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

Dear Dad,

Hey so I just wanted to apologize again for that whole not living up to potential thing. I realize that you probably didn’t get a great return on your investment, and I suppose at the end of the rainbow you found a tattered folder of weak, crumbling assets rather than a gleaming pot full o’ rare gold coins. So... sorry about that. But I do also stick to what I said before, which is that you might consider taking just a little bit of pride in your eldest son for not OD’ing, or jumping in front of a train, because honestly those are both pretty viable options.

There are always so many things to be grateful for. If there’s one thing I’m truly glad about, it’s that there’s no afterlife because if there were, you might be reading this and it could bum you out.

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

Critical Dialogue #1

Family is preparing dinner in the kitchen. Yawny puts on the new ScHoolboy Q record.

Yawny: Yo, I would definitely bang this in the whip. Right?
Wife: I’m sorry, but we have no “whip” going on over here.

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

What If ?

Wouldn’t it be funny if you spent about 15 years working at the same job and your boss never thanked you for anything and never complimented you on anything you did? What if the boss’s husband also tried to fight you at a school fundraiser? Wouldn’t that be hilarious?

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

God Takes Commanding 42-20 Lead Over Yawny

Scoring Highlights, by Quarter

 YawnyGod
Farted in church2
School high score on Ms. Pac-Man while on LSD3
Car accident #1 w/back surgery7
Surfed Mavericks, Sunset, Waimea, Puerto Escondido3
Car accident #2 w/back surgery7
Called God “a dick”2
Band played at The Fillmore3
Car accident #3 w/herniated disk7
Happy, healthy family7
Decades-long writer’s block7
Back-to-back concussions in same year7
Sudden disintegration of surfing skill7
Final Score2042

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

Big Dilemma for Prince

What if Prince had cloned himself. Let’s say he got locked in a room with his clone. Do you think he would have fucked the clone or let himself be fucked by the clone? It’s an interesting quandary for Prince. Personally, I think I know what I’d do.

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

Bye, Fellini

Go Japan

Man, I used to think Fellini was like all-time Top 5. But I watched Juliet of the Spirits recently and I said to myself, WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING. A bunch of shitty, fake-ass looking sets designed by some pretentious Iberian art student. Random quasi-metaphysical dialogue. Shots of tarty whores laughing, along with some dudes in top hats and handlebar mustaches. And that fucking circus music.

I’m a little more on the fence about Bergman. On the one hand it’s nice to see a movie where blonde people aren’t winning all the time, but on the other hand sometimes don’t you just want to scream at the characters: “Hey, what the fuck are you crying about? You have food! And you’re kind of hot!” Or: “God damn it, go apologize! That’s your fucking mother, stop treating her like garbage. What’s wrong with you?”

Now Takashi Miike on the other hand has made a number of timeless, quality films and I will stack them against 8 1/2 or La Dolce Vita any day. Gozu, Imprint, Visitor Q: you can just tell from the titles that you’re about to see some messed up shit. I’m talking real auteur action, none of this circus mime crap. Go out and see Miike’s films ASAP, and if you can’t find them then please look for the Vomit Gore trilogy, or A Serbian Film. You won’t be disappointed, I promise--assuming of course that you seek cheap, exploitative thrills like any normal human being.

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

How to Get On Your Kids' Nerves

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

More Free Band Names

• Cock Ness Monster

• Thee Social Justice Warriors

• Pussy Riot Grrls

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

Seinfeld Routine #112

Why do people say they’re sorry for giving you a cold? They didn’t mean to give it to you. Who in their right mind even wants to be sick in the first place? And why is it their fault if the cold jumped from them over to you?

Instead of expecting them to apologize for the normal way in which natural organisms propagate, maybe you should ask yourself: why wasn’t I more careful? Why didn’t I wear a mask? Why didn’t I wash my hands more frequently?

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

Atheism FTW!

I used to say that I was an agnostic, claiming to serenely acknowledge the limits of human understanding and all. One time this guy said to me, “yeah, but be honest, you know you hold religious people in contempt,” and I was like, “That’s not true. Whatever people need to get through life is none of my business. A lot of my friends are Catholic,” etc.

Well, they say that times change, and guess what, sometimes people do too. So first I lost my hair, and that was a big change. But then I lost my tolerance for primeval fairy tales invented centuries ago by dirty sackcloth- wearing wretches. Especially when those ancient, lurid fantasies are being used as guidebooks by supposedly modern people with cars and computers and shit to decide who can and can’t be president, or who can and can’t live on the planet.I’m not saying innocent people deserve to die, because I’ve seen that episode of Black Mirror. What I’m saying is that some ideas are a lot better than others.

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

O. G. Korner

Young people, for once here is something that is not for you. Take your Death Grips and your Snapchat and just go take a breather for a little while.

O.G.D.C.

O.G.S.F.

O.G.N.Y.

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

BRUTALITY BINGO

Gotta catch ‘em all

MUSICFILMBOOKSPAINTING
WhitehouseIrreversibleThe RoadFrancis Bacon - “Pope Innocent X”
BurmeseBegotten2066Gerard David - “The Flaying of the Corrupt Judge”
MerzbowSlaughtered Vomit Dolls120 Days of SodomChris Burden - “Trans-fixed”
SwansMartyrsBlood MeridianH. Bosch - “Garden of Earthly Delights”

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

Already With the Job Creation, God Bless

BRICKLAYER needed for giant wall. Must have firearm license. Contact Sheriff J. Arpaio, 9 Hades Circle, Tempe, AZ

WASTE MANAGEMENT. Prior experience with shoveling tar sands a plus. Bring own protective gear. Sign liability waiver.

HOUSE CLEANER. Minimum wage DOE. Flexibility with sudden cancellations needed. Vetting card mandatory.

SOCK DARNERS wanted for post-trade war fireside activities. Unpaid internship, opportunities for advancement.

WRITER/RESEARCHER. Snopes.com looking to increase staff one hundredfold. Some fact extraction from toxic sludge required.

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

Welcome to Tech Douchebag + Homeless Tent Dweller’s Nirvana

Bars are built primarily for complaining, and secondarily as a vehicle by which everyday citizens may blurt out ridiculous made-up shit for a few cheap laughs. Very occasionally they may also provide a ready space for the exercise of amateur combat sports. But under no circumstances were they ever intended to provide a forum for conversations about recalibrating, reimagining, or anything even remotely “iterative.”

p.s. The median apartment rental price in San Francisco is $3825. Fuck you

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

INDUSTRIAL Design Awards

Christmas tree ornaments, now come the fuck on. They’re made out of a substance so thin and brittle, if you don’t break them just getting them out of the damn box, their idiotically weak hanging hook technology fails and then smash! busted shit on the floor. You’ve got pets and little kids in bare feet walking around on those shards, what is this, fakir training camp. People say, “oh they need to be that way to give them that special look,” but that’s just the chattering of foolish idlers.

I bet any old chemical engineering student with a C+ average could develop a formula using recycled motor oil and aluminum cans to produce shiny, superlight, unbreakable ornaments for about two cents each. Now, you’re probably gonna tell me that would put some puppetmaker in an attic out of a job. But you know and I know that this is all about redirecting people’s stresses and frustrations into consumption, and more specifically towards purchasing useless trinkets and gadgets. Though I must grudgingly admit, the system does work pretty well.

On a related note, the people who designed flourescent tube light fixtures and acoustical ceiling tiles should be dragged through the streets by teams of horses. Have you ever had to install, or even worse, replace these things? My God. Where are the fucking Swiss when you need them?

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

Little-Known Facts

Did you know:

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

Critical Dialogue #2

Family watching an episode of Black Mirror. Wife comes home from work.

Wife: Ooh, what are you watching?
Father-in-law: Something stupid.

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

5 White People Things I Totally Forgot About Until Quite Recently

  1. Streaking
  2. The Monochrome Set
  3. The word “honky”
  4. Petticoat Junction
  5. The Bermuda Triangle

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

Budget Living

with: Kaiser the Miser

I guess it was only a matter of time before Kaiser the Miser found a bigger miser than himself. Please enjoy these free guest Kaiser tips from “D.C. Longboard.” Every tip has been road tested and verified under real-world conditions by D.C. Longboard himself.

  1. Rent out your garage/driveway.
  2. Urinate outside.
  3. Shower at the local community pool.
  4. Impose a gift-giving austerity program in the name of “family values”
  5. Buy stuff at Goodwill, hand wash it and resell on Ebay and Etsy to ironic hipsters.
  6. Bring your own beer to the bar. High risk, handsome rewards.
  7. Marry into a Chinese family. If you’re already Chinese or Irish, earn 3x multiplier bonus.

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

2017 Geekchella Lineup Announced

Confirmed: grep, tcpdump, kvm hypervisor, nmap, metasploit, awk/sed, MariaDB.

Not invited: IPv6, nslookup, SNMP, Oracle MySQL, Wii, WEP, the internet of things.

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

HIPSTER truth seeking COCKTAIL recipe

In these troubled times, mix any three of the following ingredients in cocktail shaker, then pour into highball glass to discover world-renowned One True Path:

Mint leavesMescal
Freakishly large ice cubesAbsinthe
Artisanal GinOrange peel
Almond milk foamCampari
AperolHibiscus extract

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

Authenticity Challenge

What a poseur I am, that I listen mostly to trap music. Realistically I should just have Sunn 0))) and Deafheaven on permanent rotation. And some days, I do. But more often, I find myself relaxing to the smooth urban sounds of Metro Zu, Father, Danny Brown.

Culture vulture or sympathetic ear? STFU bitch ima mad ass chilla GTFO u butthurt

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

Dude, are you SERIOUSLY

only going to run one overtly political article in this entire issue? Who cares about your petty little personal pet peeves, your asinine alliterative efforts? Why not write about something that matters? Look, I don’t know what everyone’s making such a big deal about. The only things under attack are freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom of religion, affordable health care, science, protection from persecution, and maybe a couple of others that the Commander-In-Cheap hasn’t gotten around to. I mean, it’s only been a couple of days.

In case it wasn’t obvious by now, the plan is total chaos. To put it in layman’s terms, administration is spamming R1. Now go on...git!

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

Yawny’s New! Improved! Homeschool Curriculum

PHYSICAL EDUCATION
Unit: Dark Souls on Xbox360.
Learning goals: Hand-eye coordination; cardio conditioning; coping with adversity through managed conflict.

READING & WRITING
Unit: Internet Trolling – Advanced.
Learning goals: Development of facility with spelling, rhetoric (incl. ad hominem attacks, strategic placement of canards, straw men).

PHILOSOPHY
Unit: KenKen Metaphysics.
Learning goals: Reveal selected mysteries of universe through application of intermediate numeracy and logic.

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

SURF NEWS: Yawny, Beach Split; Costly Settlement

Surfers and sailors alike are often said to be “married to the sea.” And so it is with heavy heart that I announce that after 25 years of a tumultuous yet faithful relationship, Ocean Beach and I are breaking up. After years of ups and downs, I’ve finally had it with my soon-to-be ex. For decades I put up with bipolar mood swings, mean and vindictive behavior. But getting knocked unconscious, having your leash snapped on consecutive days, and finally, your best board swept out to sea, that is taking things too far. Fuck you, Ocean Beach.

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

Generation Gap Persists Despite Heroic Efforts

Episode 1

Yawny enlists 8th grade intern to help with documenting the school’s data network.

Yawny: OK, I’m connecting the cable now. Is the port lit?
Abe: Nope. Wait…ok, now it’s lit.
Yawny: Yo, it’s lit AF.
Abe: Gettin’ with the millennials.

Episode 2

Yawny freely converses with 8th graders.

Max: Oh my God. This guy thought a "brothel" was a soup kitchen.
Mario: I didn’t know.
Yawny: Well, I could see that. Brothel sounds like it could be a soup kitchen. It doesn’t sound like what it is. Maybe if they called it a “Ho-tel” that would make more sense. Do you see what I did there?
Mario: Yeah... I guess that would make more sense. uhm, I have to get to class.

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

Uninvited-Reanimated

Nobody asked me to revive my lame little photocopied rag, which is fine with me. As a social isolationist, I’ve never asked anyone for anything either, except occasionally for stamps, or peace and quiet, or to stop cutting the coke with baby powder, although that was only that one time. This crappy “newsletter” ran in the 90s. For me, that decade was great but also in the end annoying, because Denis Leary came around and stole my jokes, and made a lot of money off of it. But hey. Where is he now? And whose name more closely resembles the word penis? And who is more relevant now? It’s basically a tie, right?

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

Battle of the Sexes Vol. XVI

The struggle to perpetuate unhelpful, inaccurate age-old stereotypes is real.

Nasty shit bros do that doesn’t seem all that nasty to them:

Dumb shit girls do that doesn’t seem all that dumb to them:

Editor’s note: Section 3, “Weird shit trans people do that doesn’t seem all that weird to them,” is left as an exercise for the reader.

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )

* DE LA JOE * ONE MAN ARMY *

Foo Fighters“Was this band necessary?”
Radiohead“Regurgitated Pink Floyd”
Justin Timberlake“I prefer Joey Fatone”
Kanye“He nailed it with Gold Digga but turned into a total psycho after getting Kardashianed. Look what happened to Bruce Jenner and OJ.”

Issue: 11-1 (orig. pub. date: )